If this is really a goodbye between us

Hi.

Lama dah tak tulis. So bila aku tulis ni, korang tahu lah kan aku tengah dalam kesedihan sekarang ni kan haha typical azyan. Banyak benda jadi sepanjang beberapa bulan ni. Baik, buruk, bahagia, sedih, semua ada. Tapi kalau nak cerita satu satu payah lah geng. Okay la, maybe aku akan cerita sikit. Tapi bertapis sebab banyak juga mata memerhati ni. Kahkah.

Old love came back. You know, that one. Which has been idle for about two years, contacted me back. Sure that's exciting. But I know my place. I know our situation. No matter how both of us wanted it to happen, it will not. We are different. Not the kind of difference that would complement each other btw lol.

As for now, I'm single but am not available. Nah. Tired for now. I'll just pray for that someone and me to be together in the future once we had fix ourselves. Dah nak dekat dua tahun sama sama, hari hari nampak muka dia minus cuti semester or weekend, tipu lah kalau nak kata hati ni tak sayang. Tipu lah kalau nak kata benda ni senang aku nak hadap. Tapi ni bukan kali pertama aku went through heartbreak. So maybe aku akan kuat walaupun taklah kuat mana. Baru first day single, ada seseorang dah tegur, "senyap je harini. Gaduh dengan boyfriend ke semalam?" Terus tergelak sambil bergenang air mata. Sambil taip ni pun bergenang jugak haha. Aduh tak chill lah genggg.

Aku lupa betapa indahnya bila kau dapat lepaskan perasaan through writing. Aku banyak pendam, susah nak meluah guna perkataan. Kalau orang tanya je aku akan gelak dulu sambil elak itu ini, tepis itu ini, baru nak cerita benda betul. Tapi kalau whatsapp ke dan seangkatan dengannya rancak lah aku sebab menulis gak kan lol.

So tu je kot sepanjang berapa bulan ni. Yang penting bagi aku. Lain tak penting sangat hahaha. Okay dah bye blog. Lagi dua tiga hari maybe kau nampak lah lagi post aku kahkah

Missing you, like a lot.

It's true when they say we only appreciate people once they're gone.

But don't be an asshole, self.

If you want to come back, come as a whole.

Not partial, not half.

Until then, don't come back and then crush someone who truly loves you.

Cuz you know you ain't worth it.

:)

Hi assalamualaikum! It has been a while right? I wasn't that busy actually but I just didn't have the time to open up my laptop & update on blog. And the Blogger app was removed so I can't really update from phone anymore :( But at least now I'm here right? Hehe. So today I would really looooveeee to share about this to you guys. Cuz I know, my post could help somebody out there who shares the same problem as me.

So as yall know, I have been having acne, severe ones, ever since high school. I got away with it, once, but they came back attacking and now, I hope for real, they're gone. Not completely, but most of them. So here's an example of how my acne looks like,



If it's a path that I've chosen myself, is it only fair if I ended the path after some time? Or is it not? What would be the consequences to people that basically, has been forced to be in the path I wanted? Would the decision I make, hurt myself and others?

I realized it, now, that my feelings are my own responsibility. Even if it's caused by other people, who made me feel love, hate, disgust, pain, but it's all on me. I chose to feel those things instead of waving them off. Often, I tell myself that I shan't be selfish, that I need to suffer all by myself and not drag other people in it because in the end all I have to deal with is myself.

But every single time, when I've made it to my mind that I want to back off or that I need a space from them, they would offer help. They would tell me that it's going to be okay, that everything eventually would fall into place. But what is this? Why am I feeling these sort of things? "Eventually", it's not gonna be okay. It would be fine, just for a while, then would make me miserable all over again. It will repeat and there is no end.

I'm nowhere near perfect. Not even pretty. Nor rich. What even well-known. When things like this hit me, I really feel like isolating myself from anyone. I should keep hurting myself so that I realize that I actually don't deserve to be happy. That is why all of these is happening to me.

I told myself to bear with it but I also told myself to end it.

To even type this post, I took a lot of pauses. As to really deliver what I really feel, deep inside. May the wound continue to rot inside my heart and adds pain to it, as those are what I deserve.

Sincerely,
from the girl who have a lot of expectations.

Day by day, the pain keeps getting stronger.

In everything. For everything.

Is this how life supposed to look like?

Never have felt this much miserable.

Maybe it's me, not them.

I want love and happiness. Even if it's artificial.

Day by day, the pain keeps getting stronger.

:)

Now I know that I write only when I have something that is a worry to me. I've written so many things on my notes in my phone back then, but it broke so now I can't re-read all the motivation and supports I wrote for myself. So I started to do a new one in my current phone. And I realized it just later that I write when I feel lonely, or when I'm sad. I don't write when I feel happy.

These few days, I've been thinking about something that bothers me. But I can't say it here, can I. You know that feeling of wanting something to go away but you actually don't.

Haih.. I don't feel like typing anymore.

Bye.

I think I found the answer to my own questions, whether it was me who fucked up in a relationship or the other way around. 

Less than a month to start a new semester.... Gosh, time, fly slower please. I still don't feel like studying again. Hahaha I'm a lazy ass. But I just hope I won't be as lazy as I was in the previous sem. I mean like, I only study hard during the study week. Like legit. Masa test & quiz pun I took them easily, sebab tu carry mark rendah namampus lol. I do feel like studying but my body didn't want to cooperate. When I force myself to sit on table, I yawn endlessly. Bukak je youtube, segar balik mata. Yeah I know I study pathetically but wtv.

Imy.

Hello. I feel like talking about my own confusion today so here I go.

Selamat Hari Raya! Though it's kind of late, but wtv.

First day of raya, nothing much. My family celebrated it at our own house since all of us are grown ups already. Mum cooked the usual thing, kuah kacang, sayur lodeh, ayam masak merah and daging masak rendang. Yummmz, of course! Plus we rarely eat ketupat, we eat burasak. Hihi my nanny's burasak is da bomb, you can't get them anywhere. I've tried tons of others' burasak but they just don't taste the same. Then we head off to my first kampung (not gonn tell u where but its still in Johor), went beraya and stuff, later at night we went back to our own house again.

Second day of raya, went to the other side of kampung. Also went for beraya but not much. Actually, we did practically nothing on the second day other than beraya & taking pictures to post on instagram.

Third day, I woke up at 3:30 am. Guess why? I went to Kedah Darul Aman! My aunt's house. Oh yeah, we ate at this Hussain Nasi Kandar Restaurant (not sure of the spelling) but the food is so great! When we reached there, so many people queue up outside the restaurant. Am not lying swear to God. Thankfully we already book the tables. Their ayam madu made me go..... crazy. I would never go crazy like that even if its for a hot guy, but I did when it comes to that chicken. Shit I feel like eating 'em now.

Fourth day, I woke up at 4:00 am and began our journey back to Johor. My family stayed at kampung bcs the next day, my parents and grandparents went to kl pulak for merisik. My brother's. Yeah, he's getting married already. How shit flies. Oups, I mean how time flies.

So the fifth day I stayed at kampung with my sister & we did nothing. Except for cooking, bcs if not we wld starve ourselves. Once our parents & grandparents reached kampung back, we went back to JB.

The sixth day, which is on Monday, evening, my family went to KL for my sister's oath taking ceremony on Tuesday. On tuesday night, my sister got a dinner so me, mom & bro went to IKEA to find some things for home while my father went to Cotton On to get his t-shirts. You're surprised my dad wears Cotton On? I STILL AM SURPRISED.Then on Wednesday noon, we shoot back to Johor. My parents dropped me off at my kampung because.....

I have to work with my aunt. She's in need of a worker at her dental clinic cz one of her worker quit with a very short notice so yeah, I have to help her out, don't I? So yeah, I am still at my kampung. Tomorrow I'm gonna have to go to work. Haih, there goes my holidays, But it's alright, it's fine.

Its quite of a very tiring raya for me cz I keep on going here and there, but come to think of it, prolly this is going to be my last Raya or my last year of enjoying holidays like this bcs semester breaks don't usually happen in times like this. So instead of complaining, I should shut the fuck up and be grateful. Yeap.

Am actually very tired due to work and the feeling of missing someone but I don't have anyone to talk to so I decided to pour 'em off here. Maybe it's my pms but I keep on wanting to cry for unreasonable things. All emotions are like trapped inside me & all I could do to release it is thru crying. There I go again, being a pathetic is my best profession.

Till next time,
ayan.




Day 1 of idk-how-many-days. 



UWhy do I like you?

I have a lot of insecurities. Which means I have too many flaws. Sometimes I blame myself for each and every failures of my past relationships. Be it whether with friends or lovers. I always have these kind of thoughts, "was it me that made them left?" "was I the one who fed them up?" "Am I really that annoying?" or am I simply not worth it? 

Distance.

Recently, I stumbled upon this one passage, well idk what to call it but it was something like a passage. It explained about how love, is a choice, not a feeling. Love is a conscious commitment, that people choose to work it out everyday. That is what the respondents for marriage couples said. The divorced one says they chose to walk away. The writer also says that since that moment, she never looked at love the same way. She don't go for someone who makes her heart flutters or her head spin. She go for the person who are committed to choose her, who are dedicated in finding something to adore in her even on the ugliest days. 

I have a crush on this sumbody. I know this sumbody never looks at me, literally @ no one cz he's simple like that. So I just let d feelings there, 'twas nothing serious pun, just sumbody u adore. Idk how the story goes or why or what happened but I guess he likes me back. I do get butterflies but told myself it ain't serious, maybe he likes me d way I like him. Liking equal to adoring, if that's even a word. Day by day, we had conversations often, I get to sit with him & have small talks, I get to see many sides of him that he don't show to just anyone, I get to make the cute face he owns smile, I get to make the shy him take selfies. Well, that pretty much it. 

Tonight, I kind of have a bedtime story with my friend. She poured out things, & I'm always the listener. Suddenly she asked, "ayan, kalau mak kau suruh kau kahwin esok, & kau boleh pilih any guy yang kau nak & assume that guy akan say yes to you, kau pilih siapa? Out of all the guys that were there thru out yr life. Ex kau masa darjah 6 ke, crush ke, sape sape je lah." I laid my back on my pillow. I don't even need a minute to say, "aman." My friend smiled & said, "then choose him." When she said that, I can only smile & took a deep breath.