If it's a path that I've chosen myself, is it only fair if I ended the path after some time? Or is it not? What would be the consequences to people that basically, has been forced to be in the path I wanted? Would the decision I make, hurt myself and others?

I realized it, now, that my feelings are my own responsibility. Even if it's caused by other people, who made me feel love, hate, disgust, pain, but it's all on me. I chose to feel those things instead of waving them off. Often, I tell myself that I shan't be selfish, that I need to suffer all by myself and not drag other people in it because in the end all I have to deal with is myself.

But every single time, when I've made it to my mind that I want to back off or that I need a space from them, they would offer help. They would tell me that it's going to be okay, that everything eventually would fall into place. But what is this? Why am I feeling these sort of things? "Eventually", it's not gonna be okay. It would be fine, just for a while, then would make me miserable all over again. It will repeat and there is no end.

I'm nowhere near perfect. Not even pretty. Nor rich. What even well-known. When things like this hit me, I really feel like isolating myself from anyone. I should keep hurting myself so that I realize that I actually don't deserve to be happy. That is why all of these is happening to me.

I told myself to bear with it but I also told myself to end it.

To even type this post, I took a lot of pauses. As to really deliver what I really feel, deep inside. May the wound continue to rot inside my heart and adds pain to it, as those are what I deserve.

Sincerely,
from the girl who have a lot of expectations.