Tuesday, September 10, 2019 • Tuesday, September 10, 2019 • 0 comments
Assalamualaikum, Hi everyone.
I don't know if anybody ever read my blog anymore, but if you do, and you're someone I know in real life, please read this post until the end.
I'm Azyan. I know, I have never properly introduced myself. I'm a fresh graduate (currently) from a local university, Alhamdulillah I made it. I created this blog when I was fourteen, it used to be my medium to rant things from my heart, basically about my love life, school life, family and friends. It used to be my everything. I was really a kid who express herself through writing huh? Haha. Now, I barely check this blog of mine, probably because I am not the same kid anymore. But I suddenly remember about this blog, and I opened it 2 days ago. I literally read all of my drafted post, and I realized, I was not the innocent, sweet and kind kid I thought I was.
I was sassy, mean, egoistic, childish (obviously because I was a kid), any hurtful word you can think of. It took me long enough to open my eyes and see what type of kid I was. I only see others' wrongdoings, I never did see mine. I never want to admit my mistakes, I broke so many hearts, I shut people down if they are not up to my liking anymore. I thought I was cool when I did it. Truthfully, based on my posts, I knew that I was in the wrong side in every arguments, misunderstandings or breakups. I knew that the root cause came from me, but I was just too egoistic to admit them. I go hella long way to justify myself, which actually made me look silly, now when I read them.
So, here is what I want you to read. Me, Azyan, am apologizing to each and everyone of you who were mentioned in my blog, anonymously or with nicknames/names, for every single shade I have thrown to you guys. I was a kid, yes but it does not justify what I did. I grew up like that and it is never my parents' fault because all of my other siblings were fine. I guess, growing up with too much exposure of social medias got my attitude like that. Or else, it was just me. It was just my attitude that I'm still struggling to fix. Realizing all this at the age of 23 makes me feel, wow I have been living with my toxic self all this while. I pity and feel sorry to those who were in it, those who were trying to cope and keep up, you guys don't deserve being treated like that.
I am sorry, again.
Till we meet again,
Azyan, signing off.
xoxo, The Shining Star
Past, present, future.
Monday, March 5, 2018 • Monday, March 05, 2018 • 0 comments
Let bygones be bygones. Might sound easy, saying it is easier, but when it comes to actually doing it, admit it that we'll all be stuck at one moment, or even one memory. I realized, by now, I shouldn't be saying that I'm tired to be in a relationship. The last one; taught me so many things, I couldn't even start. It met a dead end where none of us could defend it anymore. I didn't want it to happen but it did, and who am I to say no when the reason is so obvious?
I just hate being myself now. I've changed so much. What was I thinking? I don't know when did I turn into a fake woman, who fakes face expression, laughter, even emotions. Somehow I miss crying my lungs out late at night, torturing my heart by listening to sad songs repetitively, just cry every time I feel like it anytime, anywhere I want. Those things doesn't happen anymore now. Have I gotten so much stronger, over the past years?
Due to that, the burden feels thousand times harsher than how it used to. I kept them all inside. I kept them all to myself. I don't know how to express myself anymore. I used to have this blog, my diary, a companion, where I could pour everything out. I still have this blog and my diary, but I lost the ability to express. Just like what I've said. A companion? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I still have trust issue.
It hurts because I can't show my true feelings. I smiled happily, I laugh cheerfully, even when my heart feels like burning. Why, self? Why do you do this to yourself? What have you accumulated inside you, that has turn you, the expressing you, to this egoistic monster who keep your heart at a darker place, day by day? Why can't you be normal?
I was so sure, that it was you. That you're the one who will be beside me, one fine day. Again, my instinct are wrong. Again, my heart got torn apart. Again, I was fooled by myself. Again, you've proved that you are still unfit to be in a serious relationship. Dear self, what is wrong with you?
Thanks to this post. I manage to cry while typing. The second time, and I need more. I need to let all these burdens off me.
xoxo, The Shining Star
Psst.
Alhamdulillah. Starting a new journey.
Disclaimer
The beginning of real adventure. In another words, life.
Tuesday, September 10, 2019 • Tuesday, September 10, 2019 • 0 comments
Assalamualaikum, Hi everyone.
I don't know if anybody ever read my blog anymore, but if you do, and you're someone I know in real life, please read this post until the end.
I'm Azyan. I know, I have never properly introduced myself. I'm a fresh graduate (currently) from a local university, Alhamdulillah I made it. I created this blog when I was fourteen, it used to be my medium to rant things from my heart, basically about my love life, school life, family and friends. It used to be my everything. I was really a kid who express herself through writing huh? Haha. Now, I barely check this blog of mine, probably because I am not the same kid anymore. But I suddenly remember about this blog, and I opened it 2 days ago. I literally read all of my drafted post, and I realized, I was not the innocent, sweet and kind kid I thought I was.
I was sassy, mean, egoistic, childish (obviously because I was a kid), any hurtful word you can think of. It took me long enough to open my eyes and see what type of kid I was. I only see others' wrongdoings, I never did see mine. I never want to admit my mistakes, I broke so many hearts, I shut people down if they are not up to my liking anymore. I thought I was cool when I did it. Truthfully, based on my posts, I knew that I was in the wrong side in every arguments, misunderstandings or breakups. I knew that the root cause came from me, but I was just too egoistic to admit them. I go hella long way to justify myself, which actually made me look silly, now when I read them.
So, here is what I want you to read. Me, Azyan, am apologizing to each and everyone of you who were mentioned in my blog, anonymously or with nicknames/names, for every single shade I have thrown to you guys. I was a kid, yes but it does not justify what I did. I grew up like that and it is never my parents' fault because all of my other siblings were fine. I guess, growing up with too much exposure of social medias got my attitude like that. Or else, it was just me. It was just my attitude that I'm still struggling to fix. Realizing all this at the age of 23 makes me feel, wow I have been living with my toxic self all this while. I pity and feel sorry to those who were in it, those who were trying to cope and keep up, you guys don't deserve being treated like that.
I am sorry, again.
Till we meet again,
Azyan, signing off.
xoxo, The Shining Star
Past, present, future.
Monday, March 5, 2018 • Monday, March 05, 2018 • 0 comments
Let bygones be bygones. Might sound easy, saying it is easier, but when it comes to actually doing it, admit it that we'll all be stuck at one moment, or even one memory. I realized, by now, I shouldn't be saying that I'm tired to be in a relationship. The last one; taught me so many things, I couldn't even start. It met a dead end where none of us could defend it anymore. I didn't want it to happen but it did, and who am I to say no when the reason is so obvious?
I just hate being myself now. I've changed so much. What was I thinking? I don't know when did I turn into a fake woman, who fakes face expression, laughter, even emotions. Somehow I miss crying my lungs out late at night, torturing my heart by listening to sad songs repetitively, just cry every time I feel like it anytime, anywhere I want. Those things doesn't happen anymore now. Have I gotten so much stronger, over the past years?
Due to that, the burden feels thousand times harsher than how it used to. I kept them all inside. I kept them all to myself. I don't know how to express myself anymore. I used to have this blog, my diary, a companion, where I could pour everything out. I still have this blog and my diary, but I lost the ability to express. Just like what I've said. A companion? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I still have trust issue.
It hurts because I can't show my true feelings. I smiled happily, I laugh cheerfully, even when my heart feels like burning. Why, self? Why do you do this to yourself? What have you accumulated inside you, that has turn you, the expressing you, to this egoistic monster who keep your heart at a darker place, day by day? Why can't you be normal?
I was so sure, that it was you. That you're the one who will be beside me, one fine day. Again, my instinct are wrong. Again, my heart got torn apart. Again, I was fooled by myself. Again, you've proved that you are still unfit to be in a serious relationship. Dear self, what is wrong with you?
Thanks to this post. I manage to cry while typing. The second time, and I need more. I need to let all these burdens off me.
xoxo, The Shining Star
New Chapter (2019)
Tuesday, September 10, 2019 | Tuesday, September 10, 2019 | 0 comments
Assalamualaikum, Hi everyone.
I don't know if anybody ever read my blog anymore, but if you do, and you're someone I know in real life, please read this post until the end.
I'm Azyan. I know, I have never properly introduced myself. I'm a fresh graduate (currently) from a local university, Alhamdulillah I made it. I created this blog when I was fourteen, it used to be my medium to rant things from my heart, basically about my love life, school life, family and friends. It used to be my everything. I was really a kid who express herself through writing huh? Haha. Now, I barely check this blog of mine, probably because I am not the same kid anymore. But I suddenly remember about this blog, and I opened it 2 days ago. I literally read all of my drafted post, and I realized, I was not the innocent, sweet and kind kid I thought I was.
I was sassy, mean, egoistic, childish (obviously because I was a kid), any hurtful word you can think of. It took me long enough to open my eyes and see what type of kid I was. I only see others' wrongdoings, I never did see mine. I never want to admit my mistakes, I broke so many hearts, I shut people down if they are not up to my liking anymore. I thought I was cool when I did it. Truthfully, based on my posts, I knew that I was in the wrong side in every arguments, misunderstandings or breakups. I knew that the root cause came from me, but I was just too egoistic to admit them. I go hella long way to justify myself, which actually made me look silly, now when I read them.
So, here is what I want you to read. Me, Azyan, am apologizing to each and everyone of you who were mentioned in my blog, anonymously or with nicknames/names, for every single shade I have thrown to you guys. I was a kid, yes but it does not justify what I did. I grew up like that and it is never my parents' fault because all of my other siblings were fine. I guess, growing up with too much exposure of social medias got my attitude like that. Or else, it was just me. It was just my attitude that I'm still struggling to fix. Realizing all this at the age of 23 makes me feel, wow I have been living with my toxic self all this while. I pity and feel sorry to those who were in it, those who were trying to cope and keep up, you guys don't deserve being treated like that.
I am sorry, again.
Till we meet again,
Azyan, signing off.
Past, present, future.
Monday, March 5, 2018 | Monday, March 05, 2018 | 0 comments
Let bygones be bygones. Might sound easy, saying it is easier, but when it comes to actually doing it, admit it that we'll all be stuck at one moment, or even one memory. I realized, by now, I shouldn't be saying that I'm tired to be in a relationship. The last one; taught me so many things, I couldn't even start. It met a dead end where none of us could defend it anymore. I didn't want it to happen but it did, and who am I to say no when the reason is so obvious?
I just hate being myself now. I've changed so much. What was I thinking? I don't know when did I turn into a fake woman, who fakes face expression, laughter, even emotions. Somehow I miss crying my lungs out late at night, torturing my heart by listening to sad songs repetitively, just cry every time I feel like it anytime, anywhere I want. Those things doesn't happen anymore now. Have I gotten so much stronger, over the past years?
Due to that, the burden feels thousand times harsher than how it used to. I kept them all inside. I kept them all to myself. I don't know how to express myself anymore. I used to have this blog, my diary, a companion, where I could pour everything out. I still have this blog and my diary, but I lost the ability to express. Just like what I've said. A companion? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I still have trust issue.
It hurts because I can't show my true feelings. I smiled happily, I laugh cheerfully, even when my heart feels like burning. Why, self? Why do you do this to yourself? What have you accumulated inside you, that has turn you, the expressing you, to this egoistic monster who keep your heart at a darker place, day by day? Why can't you be normal?
I was so sure, that it was you. That you're the one who will be beside me, one fine day. Again, my instinct are wrong. Again, my heart got torn apart. Again, I was fooled by myself. Again, you've proved that you are still unfit to be in a serious relationship. Dear self, what is wrong with you?
Thanks to this post. I manage to cry while typing. The second time, and I need more. I need to let all these burdens off me.
